I never knew it would be this hard. *Read until the end for a funny side note*.

It's PJ's last night on night shift until like, end of next week?
I thought it'd go quicker. I went out to find Mariah a dress for our family pictures coming up...I was out until maybe 10pm? Ran some errands for a friend. Just here and there, and all around.
I came home, Mariah was screaming, and I mean SCREAMING at the top of her lungs. I fed her. She screamed. I changed her. She screamed. I hugged her. She screamed. I cried.
I never thought being a mom was this much work. I mean, no it's not what you think. I didn't think it was all fun and games. I expected the crying, the screaming, the gross diapers, the tri hourly feedings, the scratches, the pinches, the hair pulling...I just didn't think of how hard it would be to manage three of those a time.
Don't get me wrong, I love Mariah, and I wouldn't change a thing about having her in my life. It's just a huge reality check-
I wonder how some moms do it. What if I had twins? Oh god...I know so many people who have twins, or more than one kid in diapers. I couldn't do it. I cringe at the thought of it.
I admire you, mom carrying both kids at the same time.
& You dad, trying to calm the three boys in your grocery cart while you try to run some errands,
I didn't forget you, mom trying to check out while baby grabs everything in the way,
Or you dad, running back and forth from swing, to slide at the park.
How do you do it? How do I do it?
Is it normal for me to curl up in bed, and just cry for hours on end with her?
To think hard about what life "could have been",
"What would I be doing right now if she wasn't here".
Again though; I can't stress enough, the fact that I would not change a single thing.
Mariah is a blessing, my angel, my life, my world, the center of my universe. I love her with all my heart and soul and more.
I just can't help but wonder.
Is that normal?

She finally stopped screaming. I swaddled her and put her in her swing. I'll wait for her to fall asleep and then move her to her crib. PJ called at ten, meaning he should be calling again around 2. I'm debating on just staying up...She'll be ready to eat around then to. I think I'll just sleep. Maybe put a movie in.
I feel more tears coming on...I don't know why, and I don't know how to make it stop.
Where did all my friends go? The ones that were so exited for me when I found out I was pregnant. The ones who vowed to spoil the crap out of her, the ones who said they wanted to be there when I had her, to come over almost every day to see her...

They know I'm upset...so where are they?

I miss my mom. I'd call her now...just to talk. And I can't. Mariah is starting to get upset again. I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm ready to rip my hair out. What is wrong with my poor angel? I just want to make her feel better.

I'll cuddle her and go to bed. Time might go faster until PJ calls, I miss him so much,
Goodnight, world <3.



*ON A BRIGHTER NOTE*
Here's a quick funny for you.
PJ informed me earlier today that when he came home early this morning, at 6am, I sat up in bed.
"Babe? Is that you?"
"Yes hunni, it's me, I just got home."
"Are you really here or am I dreaming?"..........


.......Seriously Steph?

Just out of curiosity.

Why does everyone think once you have a baby, you don't want to have fun anymore?

I never understood that. And the thing is, that was an assumption I made to. My friends who had kids, I'd invite them out here and there...but deep down I always knew they'd say know. "Why won't they come?" "They have kids."....Yeah....so?
My priorities changed. I don't like to go out and get completely trashed,
but I enjoy a beer here and there while relaxing at home.
I don't like to drive around at all hours of the night just to "waste gas" & "have a good time",
But I'll still pick you up when you need me to.
I can't manuver my stroller around those big name stores at the mall,
But I'll carry her and look around with you.

I'm still me. I'm still Stephanie. My priorities changed. But I still like to have fun. Remember that, next time.

Tonight. A typical night without PJ :[

Thursday. Nov. 17th 2011.

It's just about 6pm. I'm sitting in bed watching TV. The dogs look so miserable and bored. Mariah is in her swing sleeping. I was hoping she wouldn't sleep just yet, that way she would sleep tonight. I guess I was SOL.

PJ's mom, Ms. Toni, calls me.

She's on her way to work. She wants to make sure I'm okay.

PJ calls on the other line. He wants to let me know he made it to work.

"I'm here babe, I just wanted to let you know" "Ok babe, I love you" "I love you to" *Click*.

"Babe? Hello? Babe?"

I call back.

"I just wanted to say have a good night." "Ok I love you babe" "I love you to" *click*

?????

Seriously?  ....Did his supervisor walk in or something. I'm just sitting here now. Alone. Watching TV.

Bottles are ready made for the night.

I think I'll blog. I'm so bored, I wanna blog. It'll be like writing in a diary. I hate writing, so now I'll just type. I love typing.

8:03pm: She's starting to wake up...Hannah, one of my dogs, she barked, and it scared her so she cried. She's back asleep now.

I guess I'll just sit here and wait it out.

8:58pm: She still hasn't woken up. She just does this short little cry and then falls right back asleep. She's so beautiful. Sometimes I'll space away from the TV and just look at her. She's so cute, she makes the sweetest little faces.
I wonder what she's thinking about. Does she know I'm upset? Is she upset? Does she miss her daddy too? 

And then it gets even deeper than that.

I wonder what her voice will sound like. High pitched? Or raspy? Will she like to sing like me? Or ride four wheelers like her dad? Will she be a girly girl? Or a total tom boy. I hope she's the perfect mix. PJ says she looks like my baby pictures...I think she looks like him, who will she look like when she's older?
I always told myself I'd never be like my mom. Every time I would so much as sneeze, my mom would freak; "ARE YOU CATCHING A COLD? COME HERE, LET ME FEEL YOUR FORHEAD! DO YOU HAVE A FEVER? You're warm. Let me make you some tea."....She always embarrassed the crap out of me! But secretly, while her hands were pressed against my forehead to check for my temperature, I giggled a little inside. "She just loves you so much" I'd constantly remind myself.

 I do the same thing. I must check Mariah's temperature at least 5 times a day. The tiniest little cry or caugh wakes me from a deep sleep. Is she okay? Is she sick? Is she breathing? Does she need burped? All these questions fly through my mind. She was just clearing her throat. She's fine.

It's super cold out, it's been a snowing a bit. I hate being alone. It's scary. And super quiet...I keep hearing noises...it really freaks me out. I live in town. There's nothing to worry about- if anything were wrong I'm surrounded by friends and neighbors. They'd help me.

She's still fussing...I wish she'd just wake up. She's been sleeping for three hours, I miss her. I want to feed her. I love feeding her because every time I do, she looks at me, with her huge, now hazel (starting to turn brown), eyes. I stare right back at her. Does she know what I'm thinking? Does she know how much I love her? Is she worried I'll embarrass her when she gets older? LOL. I'll just continue watching TV, she'll get up sooner or later.

9:27 Fussing again, that's it. I'm waking her up. She needs to eat, and I need to sleep later. Sorry Mariah, please don't hate me to much. I love you.

10:49pm: I finished feeding Mariah just as PJ called. I cried. I miss him so much. I think Mariah misses him to. She wouldn't stop crying. AT ALL. I know she wasn't hungry. She ate 6oz, she's only suppose to eat 4. I rocked her, she stopped, I sat down, she started again. I really thing she has has acid reflux. I'll have to bring that up at her next appt. Poor girl. I let the dogs out, so I had to let her cry for five minutes. My nurse says that's okay...to let her cry for a few minutes. I hate doing it. I hate the sound of her cry, it breaks my heart into tiny little pieces every time. But I had to. Usually she calms down a bit, she didn't this time. PJ said he'd call me back after he was done eating his "lunch". So I rocked her a bit more. He called back, he said he felt bad, he could hear her screaming. "Did you try swaddling her babe? It'll be okay". I just want to scream at him; "IT WON'T BE OKAY, COME HOME. PLEASE." I don't wanna make him feel bad. He has to go...I love you he says. I love you to, more than you'll ever know.

I swaddle Mariah, I rock her a bit. She stops crying. I lay her in her crib- she's wide awake. I turn her heartbeat sound machine on. Her mobile is spinning and playing "You Are My Sunshine". I sing along. She is still wide awake. I read her "Goodnight" book to her. She just stares at me. I change her diaper, re-swaddle her and rock her. She screams. I put her in her swing. She's sleeping...for now.

10:55pm: She just woke up screaming. I'm gonna let her go a few minutes.

Okay, she stopped. 

Why won't she sleep? She's fed. She's changed. She's nice and warm. She's swaddled. She's swinging. Music is playing.

I'm in tears again. The dogs won't stop barking downstairs...

"SHUTUP!" I wanna scream. But I won't. Not in front of Mariah. II don't want to scare her, or wake her....again.

10:57pm: She's awake. Not crying. Not fussing. But awake. Calm. Let's see how long this lasts. I'm going to lay down, watch some TV. Hope she goes to sleep. When she does, I'll move her from her swing, to her crib. I have no choice. She has to learn to sleep in her crib. It's her third night. I hope she does okay.
She's fussing now. I'm losing my mind. I have no idea what to do anymore. I'm crying, she's about to start crying. Cry fest with my daughter? I think so. Bring on the water works. At least we understand each other. She may not know what I'm saying, but I know she understands how I feel. I can sense it. The way she looks at me, the way she reacts to me. She loves me, I know she does. And I love her, more than I ever imagined. I just wish I could make her feel better...but I don't know what's wrong. Tell me what's wrong, Rye. Please.

11:06pm: She's just laying there. Awake. Swinging away. I might try the crib again. I can't stop yawning I'm so exhausted. I just want to sleep. C'mon Rye, sleep for mommy- please!?

My mom always told me I'd never understand why she did what she did until I had my own daughter.
"Yeah okay, whatever you say" was one of the responses that came out of my mouth a few times. "Whatever helps you sleep better at night", or "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard".

Could it be? Was she....dare I say it.....Right?

11:11pm: She's sleeping so I'll try and move her. Let's see what happens.

11:17pm: SUCCESS. She's in her crib. Fast asleep. I hope she stays asleep. I'm going to let the dogs out. Then it's bed time for me :]

11:25pm: TV & Bedtime. Goodnight.

Last night

Last night:
Wed. November 16th 2011.

6:20pm: Hey hunni can't call but can text you for about 15 minutes. Hes trying to get people in places so he told me to go wait for hi in the office.
6:20pm: Ok i love you so much. Your mom is on her way. I' holding back tears i did not think it would be this hard :[
6:22: Remember hunni its only 3 days then i'm on daylight for 2 weeks.
6:23pm: Ok ok i love you. We just miss you
6:24pm: I love you to baby i miss you to
6:24pm: She's not fussing but she won't lay still.
(Mariah had been super sick the past few nights)
6:25pm: Put her on the play mat
6:25pm: Tried
6:26pm: swaddle ?
6:26pm: I'm going to wal mart with your om gonna look at frames. Maybe print see pics?
6:27pm: Ok hunni in her car ?
6:28pm: Not sure. Why? Prob not with car seat.
6:29pm: Ok will you have any money after gas to print pics
6:29pm: Can i just put ten in or no?
6:30pm: Yeah that will give you a 1/4 tank
6:31pm: Is that ok?
6:31pm: Yeah
6:32pm: Hes back babe i love you muah muah
6:32pm: I love you to.

And that was it. He was back to work.
I went to Wal Mart with his mom, it was good to get out, made time go by faster.
But Mariah was miserable.
I couldn't get her to calm down. No matter what.
She calmed down. But now she wouldn't sleep.
She was wide awake for three hours.
She has pretty much been laying wide awake in her crib for almost three hours. I think the prunce jice the doctor had me give her had sugar in it. Maybe that kept her awake? Either way, it sucked. Tried the sing. I was dying. I couldn't wait for him to get home.
I can't stop crying, time is going by so slow, I kept hearing noises, couldn't watch TV because I didn't want to wake her up.
I was bored. Scared. Sad. Lonely.
I was miserable.

12:16am:
I just got her to sleep. I gave her warm formula, hope she stays asleep...I changed my ringtone so I would hear my phone ring when he finally called. I was hoping he'd call a few times just in case I didn't wake up the first time.
12:59am:
She won't stay asleep. I'm going out of my mind. I'm so exhausted.
1:06am: She's awake, but not fussing. I'm in bed, crying. I just want him to come home.
3:25am: SHE POOPED...
Finally, after three days, of being miserable...she pooped.
I'm changing her with my shirt over my nose...that prune juice is no joke. Bet he was happy he wasn't home for this. I was ready to PUKE.
3:50am: That. Was. Repulsive. I have no words. I didn't care what time it was after he got home, he was changing the next diaper. I couldn't see that again. She was being a bit fussy in her crib so I stayed up a while to wait for her to fall asleep. About three hours until I saw him. Until he came home. Until I could cuddle him again.

A whole new world.

On October 1st, 2011, Mariah Isabella was born.
(Scroll down all the way to the bottom to see some pictures of her)
PJ and I were so exited and so blessed.
Here's a secret.
I was terrified.
But what new mom wasn't?
It's okay though...PJ always got layed off for the winter...so he'd be around for a while. He was a manager at a pool store, I could call him whenever I wanted, stop by the store as I pleased, and he didn't work outrageous hours, 10-7, a normal work day.
He quit.
Yeah, that's right. He quit. QUIT!? "Babe, we have a newborn, we need diapers, formula...how are we going to pay rent? bills? heat? You can't quit".
He quit.
He was home with me for a while through this, we were okay, I loved having him around.
Until he got a new job. A new job where he would be working three days on (6pm-6am), three days off, and then three days on again (6am-6pm).
So here begins my blogging.

About my long boring days without him, and my even longer hard nights without him.
***Disclaimer; this is not meant to be a complaint, just me writing about what goes on in my life, weather you choose to read it, or like it, that's up to you. I'm writing for me. So enjoy :] xoxo.

Fresh Princess

Mommy's beautiful girl

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dad.

Dad wasn't pleased. He accepted it.

My dad...I didn't explain. Dad was...well...is...different. Yeah, different a good word. He was raised differently, he's very smart, so smart in fact that I never fully understood everything he said to me. He's a psychoanalyst. A type of doctor. Google it.
We rarely got along. He was even what my friends would refer to as...weird? He had a short temper. But he was always there for me. When mommy said no, daddy, 90% of the time said yes.
We had so many fights.
Fights where I was scared, I hid behind the bed.
He cursed me out, I cursed back.
He insulted me, I insulted him back.
I called him names, he did it back to me.
On many occasions, I stated that, "I hated him".
He always asked the weirdest questions.
We went to the movies, he would always ask me what character I could relate to, why I made this decision, what I had learned from this movie.
I always had to teach him to use the computer. I had to set movies up for him, teach him to use the camera on his cell phone, explain to him what texting was, check his voice mail for him...Technologically-challenged as I would call it.
Throughout my whole pregnancy, it was a constant fight of who's name the baby would have. He didn't understand it was my choice. He always asked the weirdest questions, like how did it feel to be pregnant, did I feel as if I was "one" with the baby, could I relate to her? What the pain felt like, it was just weird to me.
Anyways. That's my dad.

New Life.

I graduated,and went to college. I quit half way through. I wanted to be with PJ, and I couldn't be unless I quit school. So I did.
Mom and dad were nothing but dis pleased to say the least.
I went on to live this new life...
This new life with PJ, this new life where I had to get a job, drove a run down dirty old Achieva that PJ had payed 500$ for, and fixed himself.
No more allowance. No more Mercedez. No more random fancy dinners. No more fancy dinner party's. Family gatherings were no longer there. I never regretted it...until my mom got WAY sick. I forgot to mention she had breast and liver cancer.
It got worst.
2 years later, my mom passed away. We had a rough relationship and we never really got along. But losing her was the hardest thing in the world.

 

My "second" mom and I, our last Christmas together.

Let's fast forward a bit. I continued my life with PJ, and his mom, who treated me like her own daughter. I loved her. I loved him. I loved my new life. It was hard, different, but I loved it.

Fast forward a bit more.
I got pregnant.