Tonight. A typical night without PJ :[

Thursday. Nov. 17th 2011.

It's just about 6pm. I'm sitting in bed watching TV. The dogs look so miserable and bored. Mariah is in her swing sleeping. I was hoping she wouldn't sleep just yet, that way she would sleep tonight. I guess I was SOL.

PJ's mom, Ms. Toni, calls me.

She's on her way to work. She wants to make sure I'm okay.

PJ calls on the other line. He wants to let me know he made it to work.

"I'm here babe, I just wanted to let you know" "Ok babe, I love you" "I love you to" *Click*.

"Babe? Hello? Babe?"

I call back.

"I just wanted to say have a good night." "Ok I love you babe" "I love you to" *click*

?????

Seriously?  ....Did his supervisor walk in or something. I'm just sitting here now. Alone. Watching TV.

Bottles are ready made for the night.

I think I'll blog. I'm so bored, I wanna blog. It'll be like writing in a diary. I hate writing, so now I'll just type. I love typing.

8:03pm: She's starting to wake up...Hannah, one of my dogs, she barked, and it scared her so she cried. She's back asleep now.

I guess I'll just sit here and wait it out.

8:58pm: She still hasn't woken up. She just does this short little cry and then falls right back asleep. She's so beautiful. Sometimes I'll space away from the TV and just look at her. She's so cute, she makes the sweetest little faces.
I wonder what she's thinking about. Does she know I'm upset? Is she upset? Does she miss her daddy too? 

And then it gets even deeper than that.

I wonder what her voice will sound like. High pitched? Or raspy? Will she like to sing like me? Or ride four wheelers like her dad? Will she be a girly girl? Or a total tom boy. I hope she's the perfect mix. PJ says she looks like my baby pictures...I think she looks like him, who will she look like when she's older?
I always told myself I'd never be like my mom. Every time I would so much as sneeze, my mom would freak; "ARE YOU CATCHING A COLD? COME HERE, LET ME FEEL YOUR FORHEAD! DO YOU HAVE A FEVER? You're warm. Let me make you some tea."....She always embarrassed the crap out of me! But secretly, while her hands were pressed against my forehead to check for my temperature, I giggled a little inside. "She just loves you so much" I'd constantly remind myself.

 I do the same thing. I must check Mariah's temperature at least 5 times a day. The tiniest little cry or caugh wakes me from a deep sleep. Is she okay? Is she sick? Is she breathing? Does she need burped? All these questions fly through my mind. She was just clearing her throat. She's fine.

It's super cold out, it's been a snowing a bit. I hate being alone. It's scary. And super quiet...I keep hearing noises...it really freaks me out. I live in town. There's nothing to worry about- if anything were wrong I'm surrounded by friends and neighbors. They'd help me.

She's still fussing...I wish she'd just wake up. She's been sleeping for three hours, I miss her. I want to feed her. I love feeding her because every time I do, she looks at me, with her huge, now hazel (starting to turn brown), eyes. I stare right back at her. Does she know what I'm thinking? Does she know how much I love her? Is she worried I'll embarrass her when she gets older? LOL. I'll just continue watching TV, she'll get up sooner or later.

9:27 Fussing again, that's it. I'm waking her up. She needs to eat, and I need to sleep later. Sorry Mariah, please don't hate me to much. I love you.

10:49pm: I finished feeding Mariah just as PJ called. I cried. I miss him so much. I think Mariah misses him to. She wouldn't stop crying. AT ALL. I know she wasn't hungry. She ate 6oz, she's only suppose to eat 4. I rocked her, she stopped, I sat down, she started again. I really thing she has has acid reflux. I'll have to bring that up at her next appt. Poor girl. I let the dogs out, so I had to let her cry for five minutes. My nurse says that's okay...to let her cry for a few minutes. I hate doing it. I hate the sound of her cry, it breaks my heart into tiny little pieces every time. But I had to. Usually she calms down a bit, she didn't this time. PJ said he'd call me back after he was done eating his "lunch". So I rocked her a bit more. He called back, he said he felt bad, he could hear her screaming. "Did you try swaddling her babe? It'll be okay". I just want to scream at him; "IT WON'T BE OKAY, COME HOME. PLEASE." I don't wanna make him feel bad. He has to go...I love you he says. I love you to, more than you'll ever know.

I swaddle Mariah, I rock her a bit. She stops crying. I lay her in her crib- she's wide awake. I turn her heartbeat sound machine on. Her mobile is spinning and playing "You Are My Sunshine". I sing along. She is still wide awake. I read her "Goodnight" book to her. She just stares at me. I change her diaper, re-swaddle her and rock her. She screams. I put her in her swing. She's sleeping...for now.

10:55pm: She just woke up screaming. I'm gonna let her go a few minutes.

Okay, she stopped. 

Why won't she sleep? She's fed. She's changed. She's nice and warm. She's swaddled. She's swinging. Music is playing.

I'm in tears again. The dogs won't stop barking downstairs...

"SHUTUP!" I wanna scream. But I won't. Not in front of Mariah. II don't want to scare her, or wake her....again.

10:57pm: She's awake. Not crying. Not fussing. But awake. Calm. Let's see how long this lasts. I'm going to lay down, watch some TV. Hope she goes to sleep. When she does, I'll move her from her swing, to her crib. I have no choice. She has to learn to sleep in her crib. It's her third night. I hope she does okay.
She's fussing now. I'm losing my mind. I have no idea what to do anymore. I'm crying, she's about to start crying. Cry fest with my daughter? I think so. Bring on the water works. At least we understand each other. She may not know what I'm saying, but I know she understands how I feel. I can sense it. The way she looks at me, the way she reacts to me. She loves me, I know she does. And I love her, more than I ever imagined. I just wish I could make her feel better...but I don't know what's wrong. Tell me what's wrong, Rye. Please.

11:06pm: She's just laying there. Awake. Swinging away. I might try the crib again. I can't stop yawning I'm so exhausted. I just want to sleep. C'mon Rye, sleep for mommy- please!?

My mom always told me I'd never understand why she did what she did until I had my own daughter.
"Yeah okay, whatever you say" was one of the responses that came out of my mouth a few times. "Whatever helps you sleep better at night", or "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard".

Could it be? Was she....dare I say it.....Right?

11:11pm: She's sleeping so I'll try and move her. Let's see what happens.

11:17pm: SUCCESS. She's in her crib. Fast asleep. I hope she stays asleep. I'm going to let the dogs out. Then it's bed time for me :]

11:25pm: TV & Bedtime. Goodnight.