It's PJ's last night on night shift until like, end of next week?
I thought it'd go quicker. I went out to find Mariah a dress for our family pictures coming up...I was out until maybe 10pm? Ran some errands for a friend. Just here and there, and all around.
I came home, Mariah was screaming, and I mean SCREAMING at the top of her lungs. I fed her. She screamed. I changed her. She screamed. I hugged her. She screamed. I cried.
I never thought being a mom was this much work. I mean, no it's not what you think. I didn't think it was all fun and games. I expected the crying, the screaming, the gross diapers, the tri hourly feedings, the scratches, the pinches, the hair pulling...I just didn't think of how hard it would be to manage three of those a time.
Don't get me wrong, I love Mariah, and I wouldn't change a thing about having her in my life. It's just a huge reality check-
I wonder how some moms do it. What if I had twins? Oh god...I know so many people who have twins, or more than one kid in diapers. I couldn't do it. I cringe at the thought of it.
I admire you, mom carrying both kids at the same time.
& You dad, trying to calm the three boys in your grocery cart while you try to run some errands,
I didn't forget you, mom trying to check out while baby grabs everything in the way,
Or you dad, running back and forth from swing, to slide at the park.
How do you do it? How do I do it?
Is it normal for me to curl up in bed, and just cry for hours on end with her?
To think hard about what life "could have been",
"What would I be doing right now if she wasn't here".
Again though; I can't stress enough, the fact that I would not change a single thing.
Mariah is a blessing, my angel, my life, my world, the center of my universe. I love her with all my heart and soul and more.
I just can't help but wonder.
Is that normal?
She finally stopped screaming. I swaddled her and put her in her swing. I'll wait for her to fall asleep and then move her to her crib. PJ called at ten, meaning he should be calling again around 2. I'm debating on just staying up...She'll be ready to eat around then to. I think I'll just sleep. Maybe put a movie in.
I feel more tears coming on...I don't know why, and I don't know how to make it stop.
Where did all my friends go? The ones that were so exited for me when I found out I was pregnant. The ones who vowed to spoil the crap out of her, the ones who said they wanted to be there when I had her, to come over almost every day to see her...
They know I'm upset...so where are they?
I miss my mom. I'd call her now...just to talk. And I can't. Mariah is starting to get upset again. I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm ready to rip my hair out. What is wrong with my poor angel? I just want to make her feel better.
I'll cuddle her and go to bed. Time might go faster until PJ calls, I miss him so much,
Goodnight, world <3.
*ON A BRIGHTER NOTE*
Here's a quick funny for you.
PJ informed me earlier today that when he came home early this morning, at 6am, I sat up in bed.
"Babe? Is that you?"
"Yes hunni, it's me, I just got home."
"Are you really here or am I dreaming?"..........
.......Seriously Steph?
Aw Steph, I wish there was something I could say or do to make it easier for you to cope. I'm not even going to pretend I know what it's like, because so far I haven't been lucky enough to be blessed with a child (and it doesn't look very hopeful in the future either, especially not at my age!). I can only send loving energy to you from across the ocean and hope that you get through it enough to find yourself in a better place soon xx Btw, LOL at the "brighter note"!!!
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